Right Relationship
I have heard these words spoken often in the context of my spiritual community, and am continuously surprised at how there is often what I think of as “lip service” being given to it.
As a trained therapist, priestess, mother, friend, and lover of Mother Earth, I have, over my life, had/been in many relationships. When I was younger, I would say that I wasn’t always treated respectfully, and in turn, I wasn’t always respectful of others. I, like most of us was taught to be respectful to my elders, yet, it occurs to me that we might want to strive to be in “right relationship” with everyone we know and love, as well as all creatures, and beings that inhabit Mother Earth.
What does this mean? Relationship by it’s very nature implies that we allow ourselves to be interconnected with others, that we allow ourselves to be open to the ongoing nature of what it means to care for and about others. We live in a very busy and often chaotic world that requires much of us in terms of time and energy. It takes a lot to remain connected to others, especially to be truly and deeply connected. It doesn’t mean calling someone 3 or 4 times a day, or even 3 or 4 times a week. We do have at our disposal every form of communication and there’s really no excuse to be out of touch with others
As a woman of color, and now as an elder, it’s my thinking that I am doing the best I can to be engaged in life. In the Winter, due to the cold and ice, and how that effects my physical pain levels, I sometimes find myself not going out. I am lucky to live with my kids and my partner for now, but I think about other elders who live alone, and can’t necessarily get out at all—who checks up on them? I also think that because I have people, there is an assumption that I’m ok, and that I don’t need any help. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m pretty good at reaching out for help when I need it, yet, I’m also aware of not wanting to overstep my boundaries or take too much or become a pest. While my kids and partner help as they can, they’re not always there due to work, and often I am alone.
There is also the simple reality that elders are fragile. I know for myself, that a fall I took in December took me out of commission for about a month. I hurt my rib, and my shoulder, and was barely able to get around. It’s all very nice to send prayers and good wishes, yet that isn’t and has never been the same as reaching out and saying “Hey, how are you? Do you need any help? Need a ride anywhere? Is there anything you need?” I’m recovering, but given my aging body, I’m not as capable as I once was, and I work hard to be as self-sufficient as I can be, but occasionally need some help. Though I’m pretty good at asking for help when I need it, to offer it without my asking is priceless and endears you to my heart.
I have often fretted that we spend so much time with our faces stuck in front of computers of one size or another, and we forget to use those same amenities to reach out. A simple text, saying one of the above means worlds to someone who is alone, or feels disconnected due to pain, or inability to get around. We live in a culture where the aged are thought to somehow just disappear, and if you’re not heard from in a while, folks just assume, that you are no longer a viable being, capable of thought, presence or understanding. Nothing could be further from the truth. While I don’t often show up at a lot of events, I do get out when I can, and I continue to give to my community, my family, and I take care of myself.
I won’t belabor the ideas I’m putting forth, about elders, as I want to go on to what it’s like as a woman of color. All of my life, it has been my experience that in order to be seen and heard, I have to work at it. I’m also aware that at one time in my life, I felt that in order to be liked and accepted, I had to do what I could to get others’ attention. As I have come to understand privilege, power, white supremacy and racism, I have seen that it is not necessary for me to keep throwing myself out there, and dancing about trying to get the attention of the white folks I come in contact with. I don’t have to look friendly if I don’t feel like it, I don’t have to make eye contact if I don’t feel like it, I don’t have to do anything to help the privileged feel more comfortable with my presence in this world. So, I don’t, not anymore. I’m tired of doing that dance. It’s not that I’ve become suddenly unfriendly, it’s just that I don’t have to contort myself to make white folks feel better.
Among folks of color, we have a sort of unspoken rule about our interactions with the rest of the world. We call it “getting a pass”. You, if you are a white person, earn passes with us, moment by moment, day by day, week by week, every time we have an interaction, and even when we’re not together. What does this mean? I means staying “woke” 24/7. Why? We as people of color and LGBTQ folks and many others have no choice but to be “woke” in order to survive. If you choose to remain asleep to our needs of you, you get no passes.
What are our needs you might (hopefully) ask? Much like the needs of elders, we need you to stay awake with us. We cannot hold the pressure of being awake all the time—we need you with us. Set a reminder to check in with us on a regular basis—if you are absent for long periods of time from our lives, we assume you aren’t there for us, and we might just sign you off as an ally. When I used to visit Pine Ridge reservation in South Dakota, it was my experience that folks allowed you “in” (read—gave you a pass) if you kept showing up for them. To keep showing up for us means you are there, we can trust that you will step up if you hear a racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc. remark. If you sit in silence and leave us to fend for ourselves, you get NO passes—ever. Kindness and good intentions are all very nice, pray all you want—I won’t turn all that down, but if you can’t show up for me, if you can’t check in on me occasionally, I cannot imagine that you still care for me. It doesn’t matter what you may have done for me in the past, or if you hold me in the highest regard, what matters is the present moment, right here, right now. I need to know if you are with me, right here, right now.
Does this seem harsh? No apologies. You’re either with us or you’re not—it’s that simple, and that complex. The bottom line is truly just this: We are all in this life thing together, there are parts of the structure of life wherein inequalities are simply the way it is. To be aware of this, and to fight against them is up to us all. Join me in seeking to be more loving and kind. Consider for yourself what you can do to move toward the goal of knowing that equality is a necessary part of our culture, and our world. We don’t have it yet, working toward it is what we all need. Join me?
Blessings and Love. Soltahr