Month: June 2017

Deflation, Inflation–same pain

And so, I was reminded of something the other day–a lesson I learned many moons ago. If you notice a pattern that people you have cared about, that you thought cared about you, are leaving your life, it might be wise to consider the possibility that it might not always be about them–it might just be about you.

I am watching a set of young folks struggle with this. They have seen part of a group they started depart last year, and now I have had to leave them after one of them “threw me under the bus” while I was trying to make things right. At my age, my patience has grown so very thin. They are truly good people, and I hope they learn the lesson before it’s too late. As it is, I cannot be around them just now.

I was in my 30’s when this lesson came to me, and I learned. I looked deeply at myself for quite awhile. I explored the parts of my ego that I had been indulging for too long, the parts of me that desperately wanted to be better than others because I felt so bad about who I was. I also wanted to believe that they were wrong, and they were the bad people, and I was self-righteously–right. I had a lot to learn about self-love.

I think we often believe that when we are acting from “ego” it is because it is overinflated, which often it is. In my case, it was an ego that had been deflated by beng an abandoned child, by being a fat Black girl in thin White American culture, and being extraordinarily shy–probably for some of the above reasons. Yet, coming from deflation is often as hurtful to others as coming from inflation. In either case, one is oblivious to the damage they are causing, and there is a need for one to look within. One is hurting others without seeing how, and it is a really harsh lesson to take in.

I can only say that of all the many lessons of my life, I am very grateful for this one. I am very grateful to have learned about myself at a time when I could change my course for the better. Don’t get me wrong, it was a really hard lesson, but I’m glad for that lesson, as I wouldn’t have wanted to keep hurting people. Transformation took some time, and I had some really great teachers along the way.

Teachers come in so many forms. For me, they came in the harsh forms of abusive boyfriends and husbands, because I didn’t believe I deserved better. Often they were in my self-destructive actions, because I mostly was hurt, myself, I remember lashing out at others as well, so either way, hurt happened.

I am glad that I had this lesson, as it taught me so much about what damange childhood abandonment did to me, as well as what life as a Black child in America had caused me to believe about myself.

Yet…
I am grateful for the many lessons of my life…I am truly and deeply grateful.

62nd Birthday Post–6/15/2017

I was talking to a dear friend this morning, and she mentioned that something she ate last night “didn’t agree with her”. Funny how often as an elder adult, many things don’t agree with us–foods we eat, people we love, politicians…And, we sit with it, in one way or another–hehe.

Yet, the joy of aging, is yes, we have some strong opinions, thoughts, ideas, emotions and feelings about the world outside of us, based on our inner worlds, which after many years are pretty damn large!

I no longer make apologies for my disagreements, as I recognize that time is shorter now, I have no idea how long I might have, so to just put up with, be ok with, placate, be nice, etc. doesn’t serve me anymore. Sometimes I just disagree, and I resist, and maybe if someone or something or some situation doesn’t agree with me, I may just choose to speak my mind, or I may look away, or I might even have harsh/truthful things to say, or…I may just walk away. All are valid options in the elder world.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t care. On the contrary, after 62 years, I care very deeply and passionately about much, and about many, based on an understanding of what is truly precious.

Then there’s the “J” word. Hehe. “Omg, you’re so judgemental!”. Damn straight. After seeing much, experiencing much, and amassing tons of knowledge about many subjects, yes, I get to judge what’s right–for me, what works–for me, and what doesn’t, in my way of seeing–make sense–for me. What you choose to do is fine, for you. However, knowledge turns to wisdom with the element of time. You don’t have to agree with me, I’m totally cool/down with that. …And, I may, speak, keep silent, look away, or walk away, all wisely made choices for an elder.

But you know what? My heart is really big, it has to be to keep beating this long, so if I love you, my love for you is really big–that you can trust, though I may not always say it.

Time becomes precious for us elders, so, if you stay away too long we might just fade, or pass away. So please, if we matter at all to you, check in often, just to say hi, letting us know we matter to you, because one day, we won’t be there anymore, and regret is a really bitter thing to be with. Much love to all of you, and deepest gratitude for all the birthday wishes.
Soltahr

Why Worry?

I was lucky enough to get away for a few days to a festival in the Black Forest of Colorado with folks from my spiritual community.
We arrived at the location, got all checked in and settled on Wednesday. In the mddle of the night, I woke up and happened to look out the window to see a pretty fair amount of snow on the trees outside my window! It’s May! We left our further North home in Spring, only to end up back in the Winter! What a funny surprise!

Yet, unlike how I might feel at home, I laughed to myself that our Gods have a great sense of humor and went back to sleep. In the morninng, we were greeted with a late Spring, Winter wonderland. Yet, I felt myself feeling oddly relaxed. I knew I didn’t have anywwhere far to go, and only a task that I signed up for on my agenda that was the equivalent of a couple of blocks away.

While it was hard to accept the return of the cold and snow, it was somehow ok. I wasn’t upset or worried about things as I might normally have been. In fact, I actually allowed myself to enjoy what seemed to be forming up as an adventure!

To be among my spiritual community is a whole different experience compared to what I deal with in the outer world. Among my community, I am revered as an elder, loved and respected. I am seen as wise and one to go to for guidance and help. I am a priestess who is called upon to lead parts of rituals or whole rituals on occasion, because my 30+ years of knowledge is valuable. I have a place, I am seen as having a place.

As a Black woman, and an elder in this world, it is–was such a treasure to feel this sense of connection and to feel for a few days that feeling of being spiritually reinvigorated, so that I could see my way through to what was/is important.

I have much more clarity than I have in recent days, though it’s often difficult to see the way. I am heartened by a new sense of personal freedom that comes from a sense of fearlessness in the manner of Trungpa. Fearlessness doesn’t necessarily mean absence of fear, but a willingness to keep going into things no matter what might be the outcome. It is also about, from my perspective, doing exactly what you need to be doing without worrying about what others think, or what you think will happen.

I am grateful for these insights, and sincerely am grateful to Joy and Jo and all who created an environment where we could stretch and learn and find our way back home–wherever that might be.