And so, I was reminded of something the other day–a lesson I learned many moons ago. If you notice a pattern that people you have cared about, that you thought cared about you, are leaving your life, it might be wise to consider the possibility that it might not always be about them–it might just be about you.
I am watching a set of young folks struggle with this. They have seen part of a group they started depart last year, and now I have had to leave them after one of them “threw me under the bus” while I was trying to make things right. At my age, my patience has grown so very thin. They are truly good people, and I hope they learn the lesson before it’s too late. As it is, I cannot be around them just now.
I was in my 30’s when this lesson came to me, and I learned. I looked deeply at myself for quite awhile. I explored the parts of my ego that I had been indulging for too long, the parts of me that desperately wanted to be better than others because I felt so bad about who I was. I also wanted to believe that they were wrong, and they were the bad people, and I was self-righteously–right. I had a lot to learn about self-love.
I think we often believe that when we are acting from “ego” it is because it is overinflated, which often it is. In my case, it was an ego that had been deflated by beng an abandoned child, by being a fat Black girl in thin White American culture, and being extraordinarily shy–probably for some of the above reasons. Yet, coming from deflation is often as hurtful to others as coming from inflation. In either case, one is oblivious to the damage they are causing, and there is a need for one to look within. One is hurting others without seeing how, and it is a really harsh lesson to take in.
I can only say that of all the many lessons of my life, I am very grateful for this one. I am very grateful to have learned about myself at a time when I could change my course for the better. Don’t get me wrong, it was a really hard lesson, but I’m glad for that lesson, as I wouldn’t have wanted to keep hurting people. Transformation took some time, and I had some really great teachers along the way.
Teachers come in so many forms. For me, they came in the harsh forms of abusive boyfriends and husbands, because I didn’t believe I deserved better. Often they were in my self-destructive actions, because I mostly was hurt, myself, I remember lashing out at others as well, so either way, hurt happened.
I am glad that I had this lesson, as it taught me so much about what damange childhood abandonment did to me, as well as what life as a Black child in America had caused me to believe about myself.
Yet…
I am grateful for the many lessons of my life…I am truly and deeply grateful.