The Hidey Place…

The Hidey Place

When I was a little girl, the only child of African ancestry in my neighborhood and school, I struggled greatly with the world outside of myself—I still do. Being a vast introvert (though there wasn’t a word for it then that I knew of) I was astounded at the way that people responded to me, so, I learned to hide, I found a tiny place inside of myself where I could go to be alone and shut the world out.

I suspect many children of color learn this trick, or children who are sensitive, nervous or who grow up in a family where the environment is too stimulating or scary.

I loved this place, I would lay on my bed after school, close my eyes and feel a warmth surround me. I later learned, when I was meditating at Naropa, that this was a very lovely place to be in. I learned there, to let go of thoughts, fears, anguish, worries, and just be in the moment, but that came much later.

As a child, I was continuously besieged by other kids or my culture or anyone who didn’t understand the simple truth that underneath my brown skin is a person with thoughts, feelings and also great strength. Yet, when young, I was often at a loss as to how to fight off these forces that seemingly sought to destroy me, so I went within. When older, I’d get lost in music and poetry and writing. Later, I learned sewing and other crafts that I could devote the creative part of my being to without having to seriously attend to the things that were scary or threatening. Yet, also being able to bring forth things of beauty to marvel at, and to feel a sense of accomplishment and pride—things so greatly needed by my being.

Unfortunately, as a young woman in my 20’s, off to college for the first time, I learned other skills to deal with my pain—alcohol, weed, and lots of music and sex. Yet, still, at the end of the day, there was this part of me that still felt lost and so turned inward to that warm safe place from which to operate and find personal understanding. I am, and continue to be grateful that I have always been able to adapt and find inner pathways to care for my gentle and loving being who was striving just to have a place in the world.

When I got to Naropa, it seemed that I learned a whole new set of skills by different labels with which to work with things. Yet, there was an added component of what was titled “Mindfulness”, that meant all of those things I’d been escaping for all those years in my hidey place were suddenly being brought up and out into the open spaces of my being. They were painful and harsh—some of them. Others were just enlightening in a way that helped me to better love and understand myself, with all my fears and anger, as well as hopes and dreams. While some of what was there was very old, I got to explore it with a subtle honesty that helped me to find within, a sense of great sanity, acceptance and self-love for all that I had experienced, and the ways I’d created for myself to survive.

Yet, there was this other troubling piece from my time at Naropa, that I’ve only come to parse now. There was this idea of what they call “egolessness”. It seemed to me at the time, that I had just found my ego, and now, like every other force in my life, I was being asked to give up (what I thought to be) one more vital part of myself. Now, however, almost two decades later, I get it. My ego is nothing more than a holding onto all I thought I was, and all I put on a mask for the world to see. My ego wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination who I really am. While I am still in process, as an elder now, of exploring who I am with my elder friends, I have come to a place of peacefulness with it all. My ego is no longer an issue, and it’s been intriguing to find out certain things I really didn’t know while I was a Naropian struggling to make it to the cushion.

What I’ve come to understand is that the path to egolessness is a long one, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It is a conscious process of recognizing that there are parts of ourselves that we really don’t need, the hidey place of my past has been transformed into something more workable. It is a place of peace and solace still, but I go there as a way of finding myself, not losing myself. I go there as a way of being present to life and the world, when it feels as though it is all too much, and too overwhelming. I am truthful with myself while there, I can respond to the world outside, because I find in my peaceful place, she who was always there–the remnants of the little girl who sought this place also seeking peace.

In that peace, I find compassion—that quality of such importance that I didn’t truly comprehend until now. Why now? Because I can have deep and abiding love for all that little girl struggled with, and have a place of softness for her, for she helped me to where I am. That softness can also extend out to others who struggle with all that they are and all they experience, as life carries us along, like a great heaving, flowing river…

Peace is no longer an illusive state of being, but one that is always available when one is able to let go of the noise on a breath, when one is able to breathe through the difficulties, and when one is able to be honest with oneself about the sources of fear, anger, sorrow and all of the other emotions that can plague one. They are old friends I get to visit, they too lay softly in my embrace, and fade away on my out breath, like wisps of smoke on the wind.

It doesn’t mean I am not connected to the world or the people in it, or my family, friends or even myself. What it does mean, is that I am able to love from a place of acceptance of the hardness of life, as well as all the beauty around me, within me and outside of me as well.

My ego? Well, here I am writing about this, as if I know something, eh? Truly I know nothing but that I am learning to be guided by a love such as I’ve never known, and acceptance, and that I honor the strength and wisdom that has gotten me here, as well as the beautiful spirits of the many, both here now, and the ancestors before me who have granted me their attendance, hope, and unending love.

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