Mental and Emotional Wellness – Soltahr Tiv-Amanda, MA, LPC

A room to oneself

I sit in my new little room–freshly painted last week, that is now my place of escape. I am so excited for this new thing in my life, as I’ve not had a room of my own that wasn’t like a prison, where I could be with just myself–to write, read, craft and perhaps once it gets all decorated even take a quick nap. Though most of all, I am excited that I have a place where I will be able to meet clients and perhaps get into my new yet old work–Shamanistic healing.

I have so much to ponder, and I’ve not had anywhere to be just to think, to be alone in my introverted way–to be quiet or to cry, speak to others, whatever it is that I wanted to do–alone.
I love my partner and my kids, yet, it has felt claustrophobic for me in recent years to have nowhere to escape the noise, the TV, the weird music, the intensity. Already, I feel a sense of restfulness, of calm that I didn’t know I’d missed.

Virginia Woolf was one who thought that every woman should have a room of her own. I agree with her, I don’t know how I made it without. I know–I felt lost, I felt ungrounded, I felt like a refugee, in the way, out of place. But here I am, in my own little space, feeling safe, feeling strong, feeling good. I feel blessed.

Having gotten older, it seems there is so much to ponder. I remember when I was young, and so much was going on, so much was happening, and I often felt such a sense of bewilderment at all the change. It is very much the same now. My body is changing. I am becoming slower, now I find I have asthma and feel out of breath when the wind blows just so, and smoke, dust, pollution,, etc. are an assault to me. Then there’s the pain in my spine, the aching in my joints, the fact that awakening in the morning is a prayer, a thanksgiving, as well as a struggle, just to get onto my feet and become vertical.

My mind is not as it was. I was a college professor once, and I so enjoyed the academic discourse with my students, the joy of excercising ones mind, of learning, and of growth. My mind is still intact, but Goddess knows, I can barely remember my own name some days! I write things down endlessly, I found a little app on my phone to take notes, I don’t always know what my partial thoughts mean, but at least they’re there, and I can know that I can come back to them should I need to.

My emotions are all over the place. I face death at the most random times, and it’s painful to come to grips with a constant reality that people come and go and that those whom I’ve loved will someday be gone–as will I. I have developed a new kind of anxiety, that I don’t remember having before. The world was never really safe, but this time in history feels particularly unsafe, and it feels as though we are constantly living as if to stay out of harms way. To live now, means that if one has their heart open, there is a constant breakage. To watch the cruelty and lack of humaness from the leaders of my country is hard.

Yet, through it all, my spirit feels strong and intact. Each day I am grateful to my Gods for all that I have, and I know that I am certainly luckier than some–I have a home, I have food, I have income of sorts and I have much love in my life in the form of my children, their partners, my partner, my friends and those of my family who still are able to see and love me. I have a small community of like-minded spirits who see me and honor my elderness, and my desire to be of service and offer my wisdom for as long as I breathe breath.

So I will sit here a little longer, enjoy the quiet, enjoy my aloneness, enjoy my place to be. I feel blessed.

Deflation, Inflation–same pain

And so, I was reminded of something the other day–a lesson I learned many moons ago. If you notice a pattern that people you have cared about, that you thought cared about you, are leaving your life, it might be wise to consider the possibility that it might not always be about them–it might just be about you.

I am watching a set of young folks struggle with this. They have seen part of a group they started depart last year, and now I have had to leave them after one of them “threw me under the bus” while I was trying to make things right. At my age, my patience has grown so very thin. They are truly good people, and I hope they learn the lesson before it’s too late. As it is, I cannot be around them just now.

I was in my 30’s when this lesson came to me, and I learned. I looked deeply at myself for quite awhile. I explored the parts of my ego that I had been indulging for too long, the parts of me that desperately wanted to be better than others because I felt so bad about who I was. I also wanted to believe that they were wrong, and they were the bad people, and I was self-righteously–right. I had a lot to learn about self-love.

I think we often believe that when we are acting from “ego” it is because it is overinflated, which often it is. In my case, it was an ego that had been deflated by beng an abandoned child, by being a fat Black girl in thin White American culture, and being extraordinarily shy–probably for some of the above reasons. Yet, coming from deflation is often as hurtful to others as coming from inflation. In either case, one is oblivious to the damage they are causing, and there is a need for one to look within. One is hurting others without seeing how, and it is a really harsh lesson to take in.

I can only say that of all the many lessons of my life, I am very grateful for this one. I am very grateful to have learned about myself at a time when I could change my course for the better. Don’t get me wrong, it was a really hard lesson, but I’m glad for that lesson, as I wouldn’t have wanted to keep hurting people. Transformation took some time, and I had some really great teachers along the way.

Teachers come in so many forms. For me, they came in the harsh forms of abusive boyfriends and husbands, because I didn’t believe I deserved better. Often they were in my self-destructive actions, because I mostly was hurt, myself, I remember lashing out at others as well, so either way, hurt happened.

I am glad that I had this lesson, as it taught me so much about what damange childhood abandonment did to me, as well as what life as a Black child in America had caused me to believe about myself.

Yet…
I am grateful for the many lessons of my life…I am truly and deeply grateful.

The Hidey Place…

The Hidey Place

When I was a little girl, the only child of African ancestry in my neighborhood and school, I struggled greatly with the world outside of myself—I still do. Being a vast introvert (though there wasn’t a word for it then that I knew of) I was astounded at the way that people responded to me, so, I learned to hide, I found a tiny place inside of myself where I could go to be alone and shut the world out.

I suspect many children of color learn this trick, or children who are sensitive, nervous or who grow up in a family where the environment is too stimulating or scary.

I loved this place, I would lay on my bed after school, close my eyes and feel a warmth surround me. I later learned, when I was meditating at Naropa, that this was a very lovely place to be in. I learned there, to let go of thoughts, fears, anguish, worries, and just be in the moment, but that came much later.

As a child, I was continuously besieged by other kids or my culture or anyone who didn’t understand the simple truth that underneath my brown skin is a person with thoughts, feelings and also great strength. Yet, when young, I was often at a loss as to how to fight off these forces that seemingly sought to destroy me, so I went within. When older, I’d get lost in music and poetry and writing. Later, I learned sewing and other crafts that I could devote the creative part of my being to without having to seriously attend to the things that were scary or threatening. Yet, also being able to bring forth things of beauty to marvel at, and to feel a sense of accomplishment and pride—things so greatly needed by my being.

Unfortunately, as a young woman in my 20’s, off to college for the first time, I learned other skills to deal with my pain—alcohol, weed, and lots of music and sex. Yet, still, at the end of the day, there was this part of me that still felt lost and so turned inward to that warm safe place from which to operate and find personal understanding. I am, and continue to be grateful that I have always been able to adapt and find inner pathways to care for my gentle and loving being who was striving just to have a place in the world.

When I got to Naropa, it seemed that I learned a whole new set of skills by different labels with which to work with things. Yet, there was an added component of what was titled “Mindfulness”, that meant all of those things I’d been escaping for all those years in my hidey place were suddenly being brought up and out into the open spaces of my being. They were painful and harsh—some of them. Others were just enlightening in a way that helped me to better love and understand myself, with all my fears and anger, as well as hopes and dreams. While some of what was there was very old, I got to explore it with a subtle honesty that helped me to find within, a sense of great sanity, acceptance and self-love for all that I had experienced, and the ways I’d created for myself to survive.

Yet, there was this other troubling piece from my time at Naropa, that I’ve only come to parse now. There was this idea of what they call “egolessness”. It seemed to me at the time, that I had just found my ego, and now, like every other force in my life, I was being asked to give up (what I thought to be) one more vital part of myself. Now, however, almost two decades later, I get it. My ego is nothing more than a holding onto all I thought I was, and all I put on a mask for the world to see. My ego wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination who I really am. While I am still in process, as an elder now, of exploring who I am with my elder friends, I have come to a place of peacefulness with it all. My ego is no longer an issue, and it’s been intriguing to find out certain things I really didn’t know while I was a Naropian struggling to make it to the cushion.

What I’ve come to understand is that the path to egolessness is a long one, and it doesn’t happen overnight. It is a conscious process of recognizing that there are parts of ourselves that we really don’t need, the hidey place of my past has been transformed into something more workable. It is a place of peace and solace still, but I go there as a way of finding myself, not losing myself. I go there as a way of being present to life and the world, when it feels as though it is all too much, and too overwhelming. I am truthful with myself while there, I can respond to the world outside, because I find in my peaceful place, she who was always there–the remnants of the little girl who sought this place also seeking peace.

In that peace, I find compassion—that quality of such importance that I didn’t truly comprehend until now. Why now? Because I can have deep and abiding love for all that little girl struggled with, and have a place of softness for her, for she helped me to where I am. That softness can also extend out to others who struggle with all that they are and all they experience, as life carries us along, like a great heaving, flowing river…

Peace is no longer an illusive state of being, but one that is always available when one is able to let go of the noise on a breath, when one is able to breathe through the difficulties, and when one is able to be honest with oneself about the sources of fear, anger, sorrow and all of the other emotions that can plague one. They are old friends I get to visit, they too lay softly in my embrace, and fade away on my out breath, like wisps of smoke on the wind.

It doesn’t mean I am not connected to the world or the people in it, or my family, friends or even myself. What it does mean, is that I am able to love from a place of acceptance of the hardness of life, as well as all the beauty around me, within me and outside of me as well.

My ego? Well, here I am writing about this, as if I know something, eh? Truly I know nothing but that I am learning to be guided by a love such as I’ve never known, and acceptance, and that I honor the strength and wisdom that has gotten me here, as well as the beautiful spirits of the many, both here now, and the ancestors before me who have granted me their attendance, hope, and unending love.

Living in Kindness

“When you are inspired by some great purpose… dormant forces, faculties, and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.” –Patanjali

It seems at times that the world we are currently living in has become, well–unkind. I won’t dwell on the many events we’ve been bombarded with on a day to day basis. My work as a therapist has been as important to me, as I hope it has been to the many clients I’ve worked with over the last 16 years. I love my work. I have loved each and every one of my clients.

To be able to sit with and compassionately watch the struggles of so many people has had the wonderful effect of softening my heart. I have listened to so many stories of pain, heartbreak, violence, struggle, and abuse. I have done all I could do to lighten the load of pain that folks have carried, and tried to interject into their lives a sense of purpose and self-worth. When folks begin to feel a sense of purpose, they can, from there, start to feel a sense of self-love that I try to foster, and encourage with all my heart.

It is easy to feel small, I felt small for a great part of my life, due to the outside influences of racism, sexism and size-ism. Over time, and through my meditation practice, I had to first be able to sit with myself, to be with all that I am, my foibles, failings and mistakes, yet, always holding within me the awareness that I could still be of value to the world around me. From this place of being valuable, I could bring all that I am to the table of life so that I and others might feel ful-filled. I am not starved, and I have all that I need, when I am giving from the abundance of all that I have been given.

When I speak of what I have been given, I am not speaking of material possessions, but of the training and skills I received in my Masters program, as well as all the experiences I’ve had in my life that like the fire of the forge have shaped me into who I am.

It is this I am joyful to bring to life. This is what fearlessness has meant to me, and to those I work with. I can help others because there is nothing to fear, except ones inability to enter fully into life, and to hold back that which is of such great, great value.

A short time ago, I was with an old friend who surprised me by asking for a copy of my book, because she is inspired by me, and needed to feel my strength. I have pondered this and realized how honored I am that she shared this with me, as I feel humbled by the many life forces that have touched me and given me chances to grow and become. This is not to say that my life has been one of beauty and ease, for I have witnessed much that is ugly, much that is harsh, and downright painful. Yes, there has been beauty, but it has been the difficult events, situations and people that have tempered me. That, and a great deal of laughter, tears, and endless deep breaths.

I don’t want to move into preaching, I simply wish and hope that there would be some way that our world would shift, and be able to start living in kind, strengthening ways with each other. To tear others down, and to dispel what they most need is the deepest tragedy our world has going on. It has to stop.

So, thank you Joyce for sharing with me how I have inspired you, I am grateful to know that all has been for reason, and that even if I were to pass from this life today, I would leave knowing that my purpose in being was in some small way fulfilled. It enlivens me to know that this is what I can offer. I sincerely hope that each and every being finds their purpose, calling, and strength. Blessings to you all…

Spring!

And so it begins…And the Earth Mother is greeted warmly and lovingly as She is waking,

and the creatures of morning sing their songs joyfully at Her and their return. Our hearts,

minds, and bodies are gleeful in anticipation of growth, change, and transformation–as

within, so without–from seed, to bud, to flower to fruit. We plant our dreams in hopes

they will come to fruition…Spring has come, Spring has come!

Might you have a Suppressive Person in your Life?

Do some of these Characteristics seem Familiar? Might you have a Suppressive Person in your life?

1) Most of their conversation is negative. They almost always feel that life has been unfair to them.

2) They make generalizations, which are also negative. For example: “You’re stupid”
“You’re always late”
“Men are bastards”
“You can’t trust women”

3) They lie.

4) Whenever they pass on news, they make the information more negative. They seldom pass on good news.

5) They do not change, no matter what happens. They also do not strive to make changes in any areas of their lives. They expect others to deal with how they are.

6) The people they surround themselves with are often sick, having accidents and problems, making mistakes and generally having trouble with life. They choose their close associations to be people that they feel they are better than. They don’t like to be around others who are popular, more intelligent, successful, etc. unless they can put them down somehow—and they will do all they can to make those people feel less than, so they can feel superior.

7) If they have a problem they blame others or situations and work on anything other than the real cause of the problem.

8) The usually don’t finish whatever projects they start. If they make an actual decision to stop a project before its completion, they are very poor at tidying up the loose ends.

9) They have a low or no sense of responsibility for anything they have done that is unethical or destructive. They often cannot see that there was anything wrong with something destructive that they did. They rarely, if ever, apologize.

10) They do not truly help people. Often they may APPEAR to help others. However, the people they `help’ do not benefit from the `help’ they receive, or get any better as a result of the `help’.

11) They do not respect others’ property, relationships, or anything that belongs to someone else. They will use and destroy as they see fit, and have no remorse for what they may have done.

12) They are big on status. They judge people by how `important’ they are, how rich they are, what kind of possessions they have etc. Their jealousy of these people will cause them to make derisive remarks about these people, or dismiss them totally.

Please Note: The key is what they say – not how they say it.

In contrast these are folks you would like to have in your life–or be yourself

1) They LIKE to talk about good things! They prefer not to discuss negative things. Or, they speak of life events in a neutral way.

2) They are specific, especially when making negative comments. For example, instead of the comments in number two above, they might say:

“You made a mistake”
“You are late today”
“Philip can be nasty at times”
“I have found that I have not been able to trust some of the women I have met much of the time”

3) When they pass on a piece of information, they don’t change its essential message.

4) When they pass on a piece of news they don’t change it’s essential message. They may even draw out good things from it.

5) They make changes for the better.

6) The people around them are well, happy and generally doing well in life. If problems occur, as they will, they deal with them head on and with integrity.

7) They can find the cause of a problem and therefore can and do fix it.

8) Projects that they start are usually completed. If they decide to stop a project before its completion, they tie up all the loose ends before they move on.

9) They have a high sense of responsibility. If they do something unethical or destructive, they are usually ashamed of having done it, and will most often go about making amends or corrections.

10) They truly help people. What they give to, or do for another makes a positive difference to that person’s life.

11) They respect the property of others.

12) Status is immaterial to them. If they judge others, they judge them for who they are as a person. They don’t judge for how much money and status they have. They look within a person and love them for who they truly are.

If after looking at this information, you feel that you might be around a person or persons like this, here are a few suggestions. As a magical person, I would also say, take the time to surround yourself with white light if you will be around people like this. If you feel that you might be a person like this, start today down a road of change. Don’t beat yourself up, simply find ways to change yourself, you will be happier and more joyful in life.

1) DON’T tell someone that they are a suppressive person. That would be a suppressive act itself. And, DON’T tell others about who you think is suppressive.

2) If you want to help someone else who is close to a destructive person, you could talk to them about this article and see if they are receptive to learning more. If they are open, then you could give them this article. Let them make their own discoveries and choices in life.

3) Move away from the destructive person if you can. Have as little to do with them as possible. This is the best solution! Unfortunately it is not always possible. You can work at shutting them out of your life, by not engaging them in conversation, or letting them know anything about your life.

4) Give away or throw away anything that reminds you of them, such as gifts. Especially remove from your view any photographs that remind you of them. If you owe them money, start paying it back today, even if it is only $5 / week. If they owe you money, get it back or write it off.

5) If you must be in contact with them, then you will have to stand up to them. These people have no spiritual power of their own. They get their power by taking power from others, by pushing them down. Refuse to allow them to take your power.

Some ways of standing up to them are:

a) Make it clear that you are not going to listen to bad news, no matter what.

b) When they make generalizations, pin them down to specifics.

c) Steer them into the topics of conversation that they CAN be positive or neutral about.

d) DON’T let them put judgements on you. Let them know that THEIR opinion of YOU is none of YOUR business.

All of the above information came from this website, check it out if you are interested: http://www.relfe.com/ppp.html–the author being Stephanie Relfe B.Sc.

Suppressive People

I’ve been doing some interesting work of late, looking into a particular type of personality disorder, that I have had up close and personal experience with.

The DSM would see this as Anti-Social Personality disorder. However, in my experience, it’s not as “severe” as ASP, but can be pretty detrimental to the people that are in relationship with these people as partners, friends or even parents.

ASP folks are the HItlers, and the like. What I’m talking about here are folks that have often been called: “Suppressives”, At their core, these folks are essentially afraid of others, but most especially, they cannot stand the notion that others will be better at anything than themselves. They are bent at squashing or attempting to destroy anyone they perceive as a threat. Oddly, they are often perceived by others as being kindly, caring, and may even be popular, or the life of the party. Yet, if you look at the people they keep around them, those people are most often wounded, sickly, weak, or deeply lacking in self-esteem.

In spiritual communities, we might see these folks as “vampires” people who drain the energies of others. In doing so, they create within others a sense of feeling incapable, lowly, and lacking in the qualities necessary to create a good life for themselves.

I heard a story about a person like this who is a group leader, who has amazing folks in her group, but will not allow them to shine, or to reach their fullest potential, or even to contribute to the group’s activities. The result is a group of people who are kept from shining–hence a group that is fraught with problems, ineffective leadership, and lack of cohesion.

In my experience, people around this person do not often feel what is going on, they just know that they feel stifled at the least, depressed at the worst. People who supress are some of the most damaging people I’ve known. So, the question becomes, what can you do if you are in some sort of relationship with someone like this?

As always, in any sort of healing, the first step is always going to be awareness. I will post a chart that might give you some clues to the behaviors these folks might exhibit. If any of these look or feel like yourself, you may wish to get some help. It is also possible to have these characteristics rub off on you if you are around someone like this on a regular basis. What can you do? Get some help. It is very likely you may not be aware of how to work with this person in your life.

Ritual as Healer for Trauma

Many years ago when I first read writings by Starhawk, she spoke of ritual as reaching our child self. It is my contention as a therapist, that a great amount of work can be done around trauma when we are able to touch into the deeper self that is affected by trauma.

I have had a number of clients over the years who have described events in their childhood or after, and were surprised, yet relieved, to finally have come to understand that what happened to them was a form of trauma. Generally speaking, when we speak of trauma, many think that it is always cataclysmic–such as witnessing a murder, being involved in a war, or an automobile accident. Yet, it is often something that may seem simple, such as a scolding by a parent, being made fun of by other kids, or not feeling supported in our dreams and desires.

To work with Trauma, there are, in Transpersonal thought, many components to consider. I have come to utilize Starhawk’s idea with this thought to understand that there is, to begin with, a physical component–the trauma gets stored in the body, and not necessarily where it may have happened, but sometimes in other places. It’s my experience that most sadness and pain are stored near the heart. Fears are often in the belly or the “gut”. Any sort of sexual abuse may be anywhere, and is often a full body experience that the person may need some sort of physical exercise to work with. One person I worked with would jump up and down and shake their body, sort of like you see boxers doing before a fight. Oddly, it is often a “battle” that is raging in the body of the person that needs to be pushed out through movement–dancing, running, punching a bag, whatever the person feels the most comfortable with.

We are our mind. Often, in trauma, we are deluged with a number of thoughts that may be intrusive, thoughts of what happened, how it happened, why and where. These thoughts can be problematic if the person is unable to let them go, or they turn into what we call–“flashbacks”, or pictures/recurrences of the original trauma(s) that may pop into the mind at any given time. It is important that the thoughts be redirected, or that they be worked with in some way. I often suggest various practices that will help to lessen or eradicate the intrusiveness of them. For some, writing works, for others, drawing, painting, clay, or something creative with the hands.

We are emotions. We have feelings that are attached to the incidences of trauma. When trauma happens in childhood, there is much that gets caught up in it. If parents or family are the abusers, there is a lack of trust and most often a fear of those who are in authority. There may be feelings of abandonment if one parent was the abuser, and the other either wasn’t there, didn’t know, or did nothing to protect the young one from the abuse. There will also be feelings of sadness and loss around the childhood that was thwarted. These feelings may be even stronger, than the incidents that caused the trauma in the first place. it is not my point to make this sound simplistic–it is not, as each of the family members involved have their part in what has happened, it is often very complex, and may involve much in the way of time and energy to allow the healing to begin and move forward.

In Transpersonal thought, there is the addition of “spirit”. By this term, I mean the inner self, the part of the self that lives on after it leaves the body at death. During life, the spirit is often wounded as well. Our spirit is where our sense of drive and forward movement comes from. It is where we hold our desires and dreams, and is the part that is easily wounded, as each new spirit that comes into the world comes in pure and clear. A young spirit can be broken by being pressured to do something it doesn’t want to, or by being forced to accept life conditions that are painful or scary. Healing the spirit requires a different sort of work. The young self may feel very lost and alone. It may involve calling forth ancestors or helping spirits. This work is best done in a setting that is different from the usual therapy session, and in my opinion works best in sacred space.

As a priestess, I have performed probably hundreds of rituals during my 30 years as a purveyor of the sacred and the divine. A number of these rituals have been during and part of a therapy session, as it has been a way to help some to come to grips with all that has happened to them.

Ritual, in my estimation, has been a powerful way to create openings in the healing work, to acknowledge the desire to heal, and to celebrate the work that has been accomplished. Each person’s ritual/ceremony will be different, depending on what has happened to them, and how they have been coping with it all along. Trauma affects the spirit in many ways, to bring forth the greatest healing will look different for each person. They often wish to first let go of whatever they deem no longer needed from their painful past. From there, given that the letting go has created a vacuum, they may wish to find symbols, or representations of their healing and newly found strength to bring into themselves as they move forward. Beyond that, there is often closure that may be needed for them to come to, so they can effectively finish that chapter of their lives, and begin to move on in new ways.

Trauma is so much a part of our culture it requires a great deal of will and desire to begin healing from it. What I have set forth is a model from work I’ve been doing over the years with many individuals. If you contact me, you will see what I can offer you, in light of what you need to work with. I offer a safe space, a place of power, where one can take their life back from whatever has been in the way or keeping them from living as fully as they wish to. I also offer, along with ritual, a place of hope, a circle where other beings, helper spirits and ancestors can communicate their support and presence. Depending on the trauma, this process may take time, but I am here to offer hope that it can be overcome.