It has taken time time for me to slide into my new role. I remember a one of a few startling moments along the way. There was an occasion on Pine Ridge, when I was being introduced to a young girl by her mother, and she said to her daughter: “this is grandma Soltahr”. I was a little taken aback, because I truly didn’t think of myself as a grandma. My children just left home a year ago! But, there I was, aware that many women I knew who were younger than I, already had grandchildren, even though my children just left home a year ago. I also think that I had seriously thought I didn’t really look my 58 years of age–well, I could hope, couldn’t I?
Yet, I also felt a little pride, in knowing that I was being seen as one of the women I most revered in my life. Upon turning 50, I had been pondering this notion of being/becoming a wise elder, and what did that look like for me?
What I do know for sure is that I feel ready to be there now, even though I didn’t necessarily understand all that it meant. I am learning. It is a new journey for me, and as of this moment, I like it.
It has become a time of discovery of my innermost world. During my time as an active mother, I didn’t have a lot of time for introspection, though I knew that my children were teaching me all along, and that the journey of motherhood was, by its nature, a time of great learning. I learned how to be selfless and selfish all at the same time. Giving of myself to my twins–teaching them, helping and supporting them in school, socially, and of course at home. I will never regret the time and energy I put into my children, because it has paid off, in that they are amazingly well put together young women, and both amazing artists. They chose to get out on their own, and they are doing just fine. I am proud of them. I am proud that I was able to raise them as a single mother, even though our culture stacks the odds against single parenting.
I mentioned that I was also selfish during my single mothering years. I was able to put myself through grad school and get into the world of my profession while still keeping my self healthy and strong. I did this by balancing my tome with my children, with work, and having something of a social life as well. I had priorities, I came first. Why me, and not my children? Because if I didn’t take care of myself, there would be no one to take care of them. I bless and am grateful to my ancestors for their help and guidance, as well as giving me the important lessons in life that I most needed, in order to become a better woman, a better mother, and, I suspect, perhaps a better crone, as I progress further into that part of my journey.
Next: How I am learning to turn my knowledge of life into wisdom about a number of different experiences along the way.