My mother died on July 21st of 2009. In March of that same year, my grandmother passed on as well. After that time, I didn’t quite realize it, but I began what would come to be (though I didn’t know it at the time) a journey to find my wise woman self.
It presented as sadness at these losses, then, became a sort of depression. I know this, not just because I’m a therapist, but because I know myself really well. Many writers down through time have written of what is called: “Dark Night of the Soul”. What they are referring to is a time in ones life where there is some sort of reckoning with ourselves and who we are. It is usually/often triggered by some external event, yet, it may also come about because of some internal malaise that we are experiencing.
I began to question all that I was, all I had learned, all I had ever wanted to be. I could see that I had done much of value in my life. I raised my twin daughters to adulthood–alone, and had gotten my Master’s degree, 10 years before. I had taught at universities, and in 2012, I published my first book. Yet, something felt missing, and it took me until only recently to figure out who I really am, and where I am at in my life.
In late Spring of this year, which leads into my birthday in June, I felt as though this descent into darkness took an even sharper turn. My daughters struck out on their own in August of 2012, and I was actually homeless for a few months, as I didn’t have/wasn’t making enough money to afford to get a place of my own. I thought at the time that I would go on a journey, I even went so far as to say my goodby’s to everyone, thinking I would set out and just drive away. What transpired however was a journey that took place within me, and a new road in my life that led me to the Pine Ridge reservation in South Dakota. I didn’t journey as I’d hoped, yet, the riches I have gained from my journeys to Pine Ridge have been the most wonderful times for me. The gentle sweetness of the Lakota, paired with a fierceness and purpose–showed me new ways to be in my world. To no longer allow others to trample over me, and to remain deeply tied to Mother Earth at all times.
As I take time to step back from the last 4 years since my mother died, I could see that I was on a path to create and birth the inner wise woman in myself. With my children gone, I was no longer an active mother, and hence it was time for me to take up the mantle of my age, to accept that I am becoming a crone. Those 4 years were brutal on me emotionally–I met and healed my inner child, I healed the wounded woman who’d been abused by her ex-husband and previous relationships, I lost my fear of doing and saying exactly what I need to in my life. I found my voice, I found the boundaries that I needed to set, in order to remain safe and sane. I learned from the relationships I’d had with lovers and friends, I saw the lessons, that while painful, meant that I had grown. I even felt the pangs of death, yes, longed for them. Yet, I did not die, like the leaves in fall, I transformed instead.
So here I am, a short ways off from 60, yet, I feel renewed, revived, alive. I do not wish to spend out the second part of my life watching from the sidelines in a rocking chair. I wish to spend my time being fully alive, being in love with the sheer joy of lending my loving spirit as a guide to those who are following behind. Life is a gift. Now I see this.