I’ve found myself in a place of moving more slowly, and learning to take my life as it comes, to take each moment and revel in it, love it, enjoy it.
I have also found that it is often harder now to keep hold of too much in my mind, and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Over many years, we keep adding more and more data into our brains, as we do that , our brains get overloaded, and these file cabinets start to form in the back, housing that which doesn’t get used right away, hence making it harder and slower to access at times.
What also happens, is that it is difficult to keep a strong hold on reality. Yes, of course I live on this plane, I still drive, I pay my bills, and do all the things I’m supposed to, yet, at times I find that I am in sort of a dream-like state in which, when I emerge, time has passed, and I’m not sure what got done.
It’s an odd feeling, to keep bouncing back between this reality and that other. I would guess this is what my ancestors experienced, but were unable to speak of, or perhaps had no words or a way of explaining it to me as a young one, knowing that until I got here, I’d not truly understand.
There are parts of this process that, as I’ve said that I revel in, that I actually sort of enjoy, for it has allowed me to drop the filters I used to have that kept me from saying the things I wanted to say in the past, now they fly out sometimes–and I don’t really care. Not to be mistaken with “not caring” as in the “not giving a sh__”, but as in not worrying how some personal truth that I speak is going to be received, especially if what I am speaking is indeed a truth.
I think what is hard though is how the young often receive me. If I do not respond how they wish and hope I would, I am rejected, put aside, and seen as non-functional–a feeling similar to racism, and folks who can’t deal with me, simply move on away from me–no contact–unless they need something from me. I find this part quite painful. Then, I suspect it’s always been this way, though, for me, living with my elders gave me a chance and time to hear them, love them, listen to their wisdom, respect them, help them. Perhaps there will be those–I can hope.